I just finished the arc (advanced reading copy) of Goth Girl Rising which is the sequel to Astonishing Adventures of Fanboy and Goth Girl by my friend Barry Lyga. I was warned that it might not be a good one to read in my current state since Kyra’s mom, prior to this book, dies from lung cancer and Kyra being the angry bitter teen girl that she is, has some angry bitter things to say about her mother’s death and cancer and there is even a little angry bitter moment about breasts and breast cancer. I read it anyway. Cause I wanted to and was quite frankly curious. I was at one point angry and bitter teen too and remember quite vividly what that was like. The book was fabulous! One of my favorite books I have read this year. It was not nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be (things rarely are). Don’t get me wrong, there were things that were mildly upsetting to me and made me cry but most of them were less in a I-have-cancer kind of way and more in a Oh-wow-I-totally-remember-being-that-when-my-dad-died kind of way. The whole parent dying was of course also my main reasoning behind being an angry bitter teen. Ah teenager hood, I am soooooo glad I am not there anymore, those were some angry years…. And the small part about breast cancer did not even remotely upset me. Anyway, the book was so well written that I am beginning to think that Barry was at one point an angry bitter teen age girl. I should ask him about that….
I loved the book and am super happy that I had the focus to read it all in on day. And for anyone who is not familiar with the books, I highly recommend them, as well as Barry’s other works. At the very least, go to his website and read his short story Her Decade, it is my favorite thing he has ever written.
As you can tell from the way finished an entire book in one day, I am starting to feel more human. Other than a cold that keeps threatening me this weekend, I am feeling better. Still not completely human but better. Also, while the looming cold is annoying and I feel like crap in that way, it is a nice relief from feeling like crap the chemo way.
That is how long it has been since my last treatment. And I am sort of starting to feel like a complete human being again. Sort of…. Every day gets closer. I just have to keep telling myself that. Depression keeps wanting to intrude upon my life and I keep fighting it back, some days are easier than others. Usually the easiest way for me to get it to go away is to think about my support team and my family and how awesome they are. Another way is to do what I did today, which is go shopping. My mom took me to my appt with the radiologist today and afterwords we went and bought school supplies and backpacks for this school supply drive that my Dad’s work is doing. It was great, we picked out so much stuff, I had a ton of fun (in a subdued kind of way, I was pretty tired by that point) and it made me rememember how much I love doing things for other people.
The radiologist is nice, he talked kind of fast though which hurt my head a little. I can’t process fast talkers lately, which is funny since I am a fast talker myself. Oh well. I meet with him again next week to start the preliminary stuff and then radiation starts a couple weeks after that, for 6 1/2 weeks Mon-Fri. He said, which tons of people told me, that the side effects are mostly limited to fatigue and the sunburning effect. I am so looking forward to being able to do normal things like drive and read and hold an entire conversation without losing my train of thought.
My cat seems to be doing well since the scare he gave me two weeks ago. He gets to eat canned food so is loving that. He seems to be losing some weight too so I love that. He weighed 14 pounds when they weighed him. He always has been big so I just deal with it. He is like a big thug, which makes sense since he was a stray before I got him. If he was human, I imagine he would make a good thug for the mob. Not too bright but good at beating people up. Which Malky does whenever he sees another cat. He loves all people and dogs, he just hates other cats.
I am currently reading a collection of short stories called Geektastic. I am really enjoying it! It comes out in hardcover in August and I reccommend it to all. Also, the fact that it is short stories means that I do not get as frustrated with the whole “I can’t read more than 10 minutes at a time” thing.
Now…nap time…
I had my last chemo treatment on Wednesday. I had great company in my super awesome friend Heather. She was the first person I truly connected with when I moved here in 2002 and I totally adore her! She, along with a few other members of Team Faith, were integral in helping me feel like I belonged here and I will always be grateful for that.
The chemo seems to be kicking my a– more than usual so I figure that the drugs are like “what! this is the last time we get to make her feel so horrible, well lets make it a memorable experience or something like that”… Not that I could ever forget about chemo side effects but whatever. Now that I am done, other than the next three weeks of side effects, the rest of the year will be this: wisdom teeth extraction-all of them due to the chemo wreaking havoc and creating chaos; radiation-every day for six weeks, starting sometime after the wisdom teeth thing; I get a blissful few weeks off to heal from radiation and then meet the surgeon to determine whether or not I have healed enough to start reconstruction. Assuming that I have, I then meet with the plastic surgeon to start the three surgeries that are involved with getting me a shiny/pretty new set of girls. Not Christmas girls though. I was hoping that Santa would bring me a new set but it is going to take longer than that. Sigh…
Last Sunday, I went to see Wicked, the musical. It was one of the best musicals I have ever seen and I was completely blown away. I am a huge fan of the book and even though the musical is different from the book in a lot of ways, I still thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved every minute of it. On the way back to the parking garage, I was stopped by a woman who remarked on the fact that I was out and about sans wig. She is currently undergoing treatment as well and has not reached that point yet. We both immediately burst into tears and hugged. It was very nice to hear, I still randomly get self conscious about the baldness. I think what really made me all emotional was the immediate sense of sisterhood I felt. It is amazing how in that instant that we recognized each other, nothing else mattered, we were both strong women surviving this life changing journey the best way we knew how. We must have stood there for two or three minutes just hugging and silently crying. It was quite a moment and there were so many things that I wanted to say but was way too emotional…. Silly emotions sneaking up on me like that.
Speaking of this long journey I am on, I am officially signed up to participate in the Susan G Koman 3 day Walk in November. I am totally committed to doing this, my friend Angelique (one of the many who worked tirelessly on Project BookBabe) walked last year and will be again this year. Our team name is Project BookBabe’s Walkers for Knockers. Many of the Team Faith/Project BookBabe ladies are or will be soon part of that team so there will be quite a show of support. Once gain, I get all emotional when I think about it. I freakin’ love my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The training is slow to happen but Angelique comes over every Tuesday and Thurday night around 10 (it is way too hot before then) and we walk for as long as I can handle. I push myself a bit longer each time, I am determined to walk the entire 60 miles.
So it appears that I can’t keep these short…I will try to post more frequently so as to keep the lengths bearable… 
I know it has been a while since I posted, I have been having some crankiness, and there have been some incredibly dramatic (not really but I pretend) things that have happened since my last one.
So I had to get a CT scan last Monday as I have been having headaches and my oncologist wanted to make sure everything was ok. They had to access my port first which is always a chore, my port is deep and so far only 3 people have been able to access it without causing me tons of pain. Stupid whatever… Anyway, I ended up passing out in the waiting room after they accessed the port. It was very exciting for everyone who was not me. I was told not to eat or drink anything, including water and I am sure that caused the passing out. The nurses were all very sweet and I got immediate attention. Passing out will do that… But the scan that was supposed to only take like an hour ended up taking around 4. Very fun. Luckily I was with my Super Awesome friend Mary and she always makes everything better.
Then yesterday, I had to take my cat, Malkovich (as in Being John), to the vet hospital cause he was acting all weird and stuff, I won’t go into gross details but it turns out that he has crystals in his urine, very common for male cats but also pretty serious according to the vet. By the time the vet came into see him, he was in a lot of pain and yowling and I was sort of traumatized by it. The yowling caused the vet to rush him to the back and put him under sedation and give him pain killers. More drama. He is still there and not doing all that great. He is not horrible, just not all that great. I am hoping that they are not going to have to keep him overnight. I have never had to leave a cat at the vet before. It is a tiny bit scary actually…
I have a question for any cancer survivors who read this: Does it ever get any easier? I keep thinking that dealing with all the blood draws, the needle sticks, the poking, the appts, the medication, the nausea, the exhaustion etc. will get easier. It is exactly like having a full time job and I keep thinking I will get used to it but so far, not so much. It is super annoying! Grrrr Stupid cancer…
I am finally starting to feel like a human being after the last treatment. Which means that I can concentrate a bit longer so have been able to read for longer periods of time. Am currently reading the latest in the Sookie Stackhouse series. Very fun adult vampire books. Also finished an advanced reading copy of a book called When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead. I wish I had finished it sooner, it was super good! It is one of those books that is merely good until you get to the end and then the ending makes it great. It was just so good, I recommend it to everyone.
Friday night was one of the best evenings I have had in a really long time. My super awesome friend Robin was over for a girly sleepover. We had a blast, talking, watching fun things, eating good food and having great conversation. One of the things we kept going back to was the idea of being nice. It is so much easier being nice than not. It just makes life so much easier. Being mean and catty and bitchy takes too much energy, so much more energy than being nice and supportive.
Since we spent so much time talking about being nice, the conversation inevitably turned to the PBB event and the generosity of all those involved. One of the questions I got from a lot of people when Project Book Babe started coming together was “Why”. What is it about me that would make so many authors want to do this amazing thing for me. It was a question that really threw me for a loop because at the time, I honestly did not understand “why” either. I think I finally get it after months of having it drilled into my head. I had never really thought about exactly how much I do for them. For me, being a book buyer is all about doing whatever I can to get good books into the hands of readers, kids and adults. I get so excited when I find a book that I know people will love! Anyway, the fact the event happened is total and complete proof, to me anyway, that being nice will get you farther in life than not. Because I did, and continue to (as much as I can), do so much for the PBB authors, they were willing to carve out time from their very busy schedules to come together and do this amazing thing for me. Which allows me the ability to be a full time patient without having to stress over a ton of things. I will always remember the generosity of the planners of the event and the attendees. Not just the authors but all those that planned, worked and attended. What an amazing thing, I still get a little choked up when I think about it. There are days when I am not really sure that it happened, it still seems so surreal…
Anyway, I am pretty much babbling at this point so will stop now with one last thank you to all my friends who do so much for me. I will never be able to say “thank you” or “I love you” enough to them. Especially those who are still working tirelessly on the PBB auction…
So I had my penultimate treatment yesterday (yes I have been saying that word a lot) and I feel as I expected to feel. No nausea but that usually does not arrive till the weekend anyway. The weakness and tiredness seems to be getting worse with each one but since I only have one more left, I really should not complain.
Here are some good things about having chemo: Not having to shave, being able to stay home and nap with my cat, nap time. I am sure there are more but I can’t think of anything right now.
My super awesome friend Robin (Brande, extraordinary author, it is crucial that everyone read her books!) is coming to stay with me in a few days. So she can see first hand how much fun post chemo is. We plan to watch Pride and Prejudice, the good one with sexy Colin Firth, as well as other girly movies. I discovered to my horror the other day that I do not own P&P on dvd. I am very ashamed of myself and am trying to rectify that as soon and inexpensively as possible.
One series I neglected to mention that I am currently obsessed with is the Dexter series. I am on book 3 and totally loving it! They are great books, incredibly well written with fantastic characters. The tv show is good too.
Thanks again for all the support I have been getting. I really love all the comments everyone leaves. You guys are all fabulous.
So I have my penultimate treatment today. It is three in the morning and I cannot sleep. Which is th reason for the crankiness. I just keep thinking about it and how sick it makes me and how much I hate it. Blargh. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. I realize that it is possibly psychological at this point. I am so wanting it to be over. This second time around seems to be worse than the first time. Everything about it sucks, including all the blood work. They have to take from my port and it is always painful. I dread it. On the other hand, I only have one more session after today. Since I can’t sleep, I am watching X-Files to take my mind off of it, it is sort of working…
Have been reading some good books. Still working on Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and the newest Kitty Norville book by Carrie Vaughn. Finished the third book in the Gallagher Girls series, Don’t Judge a Girl by Her Cover, by Ally Carter, I totally adore that series. So much fun!
I am back from visiting my awesome sister, Sharon, and I had a great time. Very tired, Friday and Saturday were busy days so I used up most of my energy from this week and now have little left. Totally worth it though.
Friday morning we went to see Frank (Looking Glass Wars) at his offices and finally got to meet his adorable assistant Emily. She is about the sweetest girl I have ever met. Also, she has a very soothing voice so sometimes I make excuses to call so I can hear it. Anyway, had a blast with Frank as I always do. Then it was on to Disneyland. I just love that place. We had a ton of fun and then met some of my sisters friend for dinner. Very good food and the chefs knew what gluten was. It was great. I love it when restaurant chefs understand what gluten-free means.
Saturday we went to Whale of a Tale, this super cute bookstore in Irvine, and who should be signing but DJ MacHale. The same DJ that I got yelled at for driving myself to see because I thought it would be a while before I had the opportunity to meet him. Life is funny sometimes… Anyway, had a great time browsing through the store as I waited for the signing to end. Met the owner and had a lovely chat with her and DJ. He is such a wonderful person, so sweet. After the store we went to a picnic at Sharon’s friends till 2 am. It was fun but exhausting.
The entire weekend was a ton of fun and I did not wear my wig once. It was great, I did not get stared at as much as I thought. Mostly it was kids, which makes sense. The cutest was at the picnic on Sat, Sharon’s friend’s son kept staring at me and then whispered to my sister “You don’t meet very many girls who don’t have hair”. It was pretty cute. Kids are so much fun!
So today was the first day I left the house sans wig. It was weird. I did get stared at a bit but not at much as I thought. I debated for awhile about whether or not I should leave the house without the wig but the fact that it is gross hot out ultimately made up my mind for me. I really needed to get out of the house, I am going stir crazy. So, I called Shannon up and she needed to get new sheets anyway so away we went. Possibly it was not the best decision as I am now super exhausted and not sure I can do anything but nap for the rest of the day. On the other hand, I got out of the house so feel slightly less stir crazy. Slightly.
I am still so tired. And still tired of being tired. The nausea returned while I was out today. Super fun! It was inevitable I suppose. It is still big and dumb though… At least I know what the rest of my week will be like.
Looking forward to seeing my awesome sister in LA this weekend. I leave Thursday so I should probably rest up today and tomorrow anyway. Luckily I got more Netflix in today (seriously, Netflix is my new best friend) so I have a few hours of things to watch in between naps.
I just want to thank everyone for all the nice comments. Reading them makes me smile and feel better! So thanks bunches!
That seems to be the word for me lately. So tired, physically and mentally. I seem to be more exhausted this second time around. Maybe the mental part comes from the fact that I know what is coming. More hair loss, more mouth problems, more nausea, I do not want to do this anymore. Just thinking about it makes me tired. I am not sure I am strong enough to do this anymore. I am so ready to be done having cancer now. Anytime now….
I know that I should be more positive and I am really trying hard to be but day after day of the dealing with this is starting to take its toll on me. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass, that soon this will all be over. I know it is true but that does not seem to be making this second round of treatment easier. Everything I try seems to work less and less.
Oh well, such is life. I have been given this journey and I am the only one that can make it. Blargh. I will eventually get over this too…